Top Ten Things You should Never Say to the Judge

10. So she gets the gold and I get the shaft?
9. I don't think you would have ruled that way if I'd been woman.
8. I'm really not comfortable raising my right hand and repeating after anyone.
7. I'm not hiding my income, so help me God.
6. Why are you picking on me?
5. No court's going to tell me what to do!
4. You'll have to wait a minute, my cell phone's ringing.
3. I don't have time for this.
2. You're the one who should have a psychological evaluation.
1. With all due respect, Your Honor, have you ever been through a divorce?

The remarks to the judge may sound funny to you, but they are all too true and have been said in court during a real hearing. If you find yourself losing your temper, bite your tongue, or shove your attorney's coat sleeve in your mouth for a timeout, but never, ever say any of the above to the judge! In fact, remain silent in court unless you are directed to speak. Let your attorney do your bidding.

Top Ten Things You Should Never Do to Jeopardize Your Case

10. Never refer to your holdings as your hidden assets.
9. Never show up later (or early) for a court appearance with a hangover.
8. Never telephone your ex's attorney and tell him / her off.
7. Never bribe the kids into testifying against your ex.
6. Never throw a fit in court.
5. Never act in a threatening or inappropriate manner in front of your ex's attorney.
4. Never toss out a pickup line to the judge.
3. Never have a wild party on your custodial weekends.
2. Never lose or destroy your important paperwork.
1. Never say, "I'll never get through this."

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say About Your Ex in Front of the Children

10. I wish your mother (father) would drop dead.
9. I never loved your father (mother) anyway.
8. One of these days, so help me, I'm going to kill her (him).
7. I'm sorry I did such a horrible job picking your father (mother).
6. So where'd he (she) get the bimbo (bozo)?
5. Thank God you don't look like her (him).
4. He (she) was really bad in bed.
3. He (she) never loved you kids anyway.
2. Oh, she (he) is fat and ugly and really stupid.
1. He (she) does not pay me nearly enough child support.

I know of situations where parents have actually said these things, and worse yet about their exes to their children. That is such a pity because children from broken marriages often feel responsible not only for the divorce, but the wars their parents engage in as well. Be extremely careful how you coin your phrases and what you say in haste and/or anger about your ex.

Top Ten Ways You Can Potentially Alienate Your Attorney

10. Make a pass at your attorney.
9. Show up late for meetings and court appearances.
8. Threaten to sue if your attorney botches your case.
7. Tell your attorney you think opposing counsel is doing a better job.
6. Put your attorney on hold while you take another call.
5. Have your retainer or payment checks bounce.
4. Nitpick your attorney's bill.
3. Make negative comments about your attorney's offices (decor, distance, size...)
2.Order your attorney around.
1. Lie to your attorney.

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Ex

10. I was never in love with you.
9. You look like hell.
8. The kids can't stand you.
7. Everyone I know is so glad we're getting a divorce.
6. Good luck finding someone who would want you.
5. I only married you for your _______(money, fame, body, prestige...)
4. I was cheating on you all along.
3. You were never good in bed.
2. I can't believe I ever married you.
1. You're not their father. (Toward women: Their stepmother is their real mom.)

I am certain some of these have caused you to grin, laugh out loud, or maybe even cringe. Even if your ex is resorting to negative comments, do not stoop in his/her level.